More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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