I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
