She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
