Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
