I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
