she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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