i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
