You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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