I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
