its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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