If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
