dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
