i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
