it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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