is your mom at the bar?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
