I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
