broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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