How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
