God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
