Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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