Cold hands, warm shart.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
