there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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