Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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