Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
bring money and cleavage
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
