I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
