The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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