i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
