its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Alive.
So much puke
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize