nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
