Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
