I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
