Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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