On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
