I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
