so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize