People in love make me want to vomit
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
