i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
