like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
