All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i came on her dog
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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