It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
