How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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