I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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