I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize