i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
