I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
