oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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