He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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