I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
