Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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