Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
