I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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