i permit you to call me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
