Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
