i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
