I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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