i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
