I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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