i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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