i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
