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Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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