Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
