Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
