Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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