at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
